Titanomachy (How the Titans Lost Control of the Universe?)

Kronos killed his father, divided the world among his siblings and became the ruler of the Cosmos. Gaea seeing her children so well settled in their lives and chosen careers decided to take a break. I mean hey being the mother of eighteen kids is hard man, not to mention the poor lady had an abusive husband, who she promptly murdered but minor details those.

Right so like all kids after getting a job, the Titans wanted to move out and made Mount Othyrs which was apparently the highest mountain in Greece back then, their base and had the Cyclops and Hecatoncheires build them a palace.

Looking at this place it's clear why Kronos chose to make Mount Othyrs his base. it clearly suited his dark personality.

So now all the Titans had jobs, a home so the obvious next step was marriage. But since there were only twelve titans in all the options were severely limited for them. Sad.

Well so they all decided to remain unmarried and dedicate all their time and energy towards the betterment of the Universe and create a golden world.

The End!!

Ha! Kidding. No they didn’t do any of the stuff and figured since there weren’t many Titans or other immortals for that matter to marry, most of them ended up being married to their siblings. And yes people its GROSSSS on so many levels.

Before proceeding with the story, let’s see who hooked up with whom… huh?

So Oceanus the Titan of the Ocean (predictably) married Tethys the Titan of Rivers and Springs and water in general and they had like THREE THOUSAND daughters. I mean ok people I get you can’t watch movies, or use your mobile, or do your normal outdoor activities, but THREE THOUSAND is a bit much don’t you think? And even if you don’t the others obviously did because they requested them to separate as a couple because if they had anymore daughters who were by the way called Oceanids (nymphs of various rivers and streams), the world would be flooded. So they stopped thank god.

Aww!!! aren't they cute together

But among their many daughters was Clymene or Asia, the Titan of Fame. She looked around and noticed everyone following their sibling trend and she was like all I have are sisters, so who am I supposed to marry, duh? But then she figured she might as well do something that would set her apart from the others and so she married her uncle Iapetus, the Titan of West. (SUPER GROSS, LADY) Iapetus must be like hundreds of years elder to her in Titan-ly years. But whatever, the chick wanted to set a trend (the things people do for fame), who am I to comment yeah?

Theia, also called Euryphaessa, literally means shining one. She was the Titan of clarity, glitter, and glory. So naturally she was attracted to the most shiny and glittery of all Titans, Hyperion, Titan of the East and Rising Sun. Not a good choice in my opinion, because how do you sleep in on weekends if your man has to wake up at the crack of dawn? Annoying in my opinion, but to each her own. Together they had three kids, Helios (the Sun), Selene (the Moon), and Eos (Dawn). Seriously with a husband and kids like that when did this lady ever sleep?

Before Gaea went for her vacation, she had an affair with Pontus, the (sterile?) primordial god of water, who was also created by her. Like seriously what is with this woman and her sons. Anyways they had a daughter Eurybia (or was this before she planned Uranus’ murder?) who had mastery over the Sea. And this ladies and gentlemen gives a new angle to the whole Uranus murder mystery. Was Gaea really an abused and troubled wife and mother? Or was she a cheating vamp, who wanted to get rid of her husband to be with her paramour? Did Uranus really throw his(?) kids in Tartarus because he was a cruel father or because he suspected infidelity on Gaea’s part? Alas the answers to these questions we will never know. But what we do know is that Eurybia married her half brother Crius. They had three children Astraeus (Dusk), Perses (Destruction and Peace), and Pallas (Warcraft).

Coeus the Titan of North, often communicated with the spirit of Uranus or maybe since it was so cold in the North Pole his ears were ringing, but he was believed to have prophetic powers. And his powers of prophecy lead him to his fellow seer, Phoebe. If you are thinking Phoebe Buffay, you are not far away from the truth because the Titan Phoebe was also described as bubbly and happy, and well seers are always slightly eccentric aren’t they?

That leaves Themis and Mnemosyne who being the Titans of clear thought and memory decided not to marry. Because why would anyone with a clear rational thinking want to marry. And Mnemosyne probably remembered the disaster her parents’ marriage was and decided to take the safe route, or maybe no one wanted to marry her. Because would you wanna marry someone who will always remember every mistake, every promise, and every date? Not likely.

So what happened to our favorite Titan, Kronos the lord of the Cosmos? Well he got the fairest maiden of them all….. Rhea. Just like her name which means easy flowing, Rhea was an easy going woman. She had a charming personality, nurturing nature, and an easy temper. But maybe she wasn’t big on the brains department because hey she married Kronos. Now yeah love is blind, but is it dumb too?

Their eldest child was Hestia, followed by Demeter and Hera, and Kronos like the amazing father that he was treated his daughters like princesses and they lived like a happy family ever after? Nah that sadly didn’t happen. Maybe Kronos had inherited the worst traits from his father Uranus, or maybe he was just competitive and didn’t want his father to be the “WORST DAD EVER”, he swallowed up all his kids. When Hades was born, Rhea thought that maybe having a son would make Kronos happy? Did it? Obviously not, and he ended up swallowing Hades too. Now when Poseidon was born the accounts vary. While some say, Poseidon was also by swallowed Kronos others say that Rhea managed to hide him among a flock of lambs and pretended to have a colt instead, which was …… you guessed right promptly swallowed by Kronos. Maybe at this point Kronos simply didn’t care what he swallowed as long as any of his children didn’t grow up to be usurp his throne, because there really is no other explanation as to why he didn’t question his wife giving birth to a colt. That aside I personally believe Poseidon was also swallowed by Kronos, because if he was safe Rhea would have trained him to overtake his father and not have given birth to Zeus. And also by way of seniority Poseidon would have been the lord of the Universe not Zeus.

Yes people I know Hades was the eldest of the three but since he was definitely swallowed by Kronos and the last among his brothers to be expelled from his father’s stomach (gross) he was considered the youngest. Poor Hades.

Anyways back to the story (assuming Poseidon was swallowed), Rhea was completely mad at her husband. Fair enough, considering he had swallowed five of her children. She decided to take some serious action, but unlike Gaea she didn’t have either the murderous streak or a child who would volunteer to kill. So to solve the problem she decided to have another child, Zeus. But instead of presenting baby Zeus to Kronos she presented him with a rock, who like always swallowed it. Why she didn’t do it earlier or with her other children??? I don’t know.

Rhea and Baby Zeus

Zeus grew up on Mount Dikte in Crete and was raised by Meliae, Kouretes and nourished by the she-goat Amalthea who is also considered to by a nymph by some. When he was old enough he entered into his father’s service as a cupbearer and slowly gained his trust. And one day when after a busy day Kronos was relaxing, Zeus came up to him and requested him to try a new cocktail he had created. Now at this point we have established that Kronos didn’t care much about what he swallowed and so he drank the cocktail, which was a mixture of mustard and wine and barfed up his children (Super Gross). Like seriously dude, you swallow five of your children and some mustard and wine and you barf…. Not fair. Poseidon, Hades, Hera, Demeter, and Hestia came out in that order, and they along with Zeus ran to the nearest shower(?). Honestly I don’t know but it’s the most logical choice yeah, they had spent years in their fathers stomach (because they were immortal they didn't die and continued to grow) and came out with his barf, they probably stank. Another logical question is how could Kronos have let them escape, but maybe he didn’t, maybe he was too busy being sick.

Anyways after their showers they all went to Tartarus, to save the Cyclops and Hecatoncheires. They killed Kampe a she dragon who was their jailor and asked the Cyclops and Hecatoncheires to build them weapons. They fashioned the three most powerful weapons, the Helm of Darkness for Hades, the Lightning Bolt for Zeus, and a Trident for Poseidon. Together the siblings along with the Cyclops and Hecatoncheires fought the Titans for ten years in a war called the Titanomachy.

This oil on copper painting by Joachim Wtewael, portrays The Battle Between Gods and Titans, 1600

At the end of the war, Kronos was chopped into pieces with his own scythe and thrown into Tartarus (déjà vu anyone?) along with his brothers Iapetus, Coeus, Crius, and Hyperion. Atlas was punished to hold up the sky forever, which is admittedly harsh, and Menotios was also struck by Zeus’ thunderbolt (predictable that guy) and banished to where else, Tartarus. The Hecatoncheires in revenge threw boulders at Mount Othrys and buried it and the Gods built the foundation of their new reign on Mount Olympus, with Zeus as their king.

This story teaches us a few lessons :

1. Don't swallow your children.
2. Don't believe your wife when she tells you she gave birth to a mare.
3. And most importantly DO NOT SWALLOW anything without double checking.